A GUIDE TO BODY LANGUAGE
EDITOR'S NOTE: Concern has been raised about the information on this page, that the techniques presented might gain initial access to an intimate relationship, but need to be coupled with some frank disclosure as well in order to protect the other person's integrity and exercise responsibility towards other people.
The gender difference
Women on average are better at body language than
men; it could even be said to be an innate knowledge. Thus, understanding
body language is of great importance if you want to approach attractive
It's up to men to decipher the implied meanings
of their actions, but sadly, most men are generally lacking in this
The consequence would be this: a man feeling that
everything is going perfectly - until the woman suddenly leaves
When you meet a woman who interests you, one of
the first things you should do is to observe the way she carries
herself; the way she moves, stands, makes conversation with others,
and so on and so forth.
Your own body language
List of things to consider:Eye contact
Avoiding movement during a sitting interaction
Feet tend to point out their direction, so it's important that this
language be conciliatory.
Look forward and at one direction.
Do not wiggle or jerk around.
Maintain symmetry. If one side of the body does not match the other,
that suggests that you only have half interest in the other person,
that you are distracted with something else and not saying why.
One suggestion is to look natural, which means to not think about
If you stay in one place, then you can let the other person or persons
find a comfortable distance from you. Continue to stay in one place
while talking with the other person. If leaving the person, leave
discretely, before the other person becomes completely disinterested
Good posture potentially improves your confidence
and the impression you make. Sit and stand straight, keep your shoulders
back and your chest up. If you avoid reacting to your own humorous
remarks, the other persons might react more.
Do not change the angle of your body. That is,
if the other person approached you first, and your body does not
face the body of the other person, then do not reorient yourself.
If you must reorient yourself, leave and return. It is best to show
other persons that you are stable and consistent.
Body language of other person
The meaning of some of the body language in this
list has not yet been documented here:licking lips
maintaining eye contact
looking at you "from below" (persons might be trying to
exaggerate the height difference between you)
playing with hair
touching your upper arm
In a social setting, try comparing the other persons' body language
with a third person with its interactions with you.
The "personal space" test consists of
moving a little bit closer to another person at a social setting
so that you are standing close and reducing the size of the space
around another person. A person less interested in you will attempt
to move away.
Persons instinctively raise their eyebrows when
they meet interesting persons. Use this to attempt to measure the
interest that other persons have with you. Interested or excited
persons will also have shiny eyes. The eyes have a tiny gland on
the bottom of the eyelid secreting liquids such as tears and lubrication.
When a person is interested or excited, the glands tend to secrete
liquid thus giving the eyes the shiny appearance.
Closed versus Open
Some persons form a barrier: arms crossed, legs
crossed, or holding an object in front of themselves. Their body
is closed. It is better to seek persons who have arms apart, legs
uncrossed, and are facing in your direction; their body is open.
As an exception, if two persons like themselves
well, then they might close their bodies while standing or sitting
opposite each other. These persons are acting open; their bodies
are only closed because they are closed to themselves.
Leaning Forward versus Away
When sitting at a table, persons can either lean forward or away.
If you lean forward, then you are more visible to other persons
at the table; it is easier to converse with other persons who lean
When comfort and trust have not yet been secured,
leaning forward can be taken subconsciously as a sign of hostility.
This can be used to subconsciously manipulate or train the other
person's actions to your liking.
In contrast, leaning backward, away from the table,
is a sign of disinterest. However, a person that leans backward
but has their body open might simply be relaxing. Try using some
jokes or humor to gain the interest of this person so that they
begin leaning forward.
Therefore, if you want to invite someone home,
or plan another social meeting with them, suggest making the invitation
when the other person or persons are leaning forward with open bodies.
Invite the person to meet with you for coffee or some other beverage,
or tell them to write their telephone number, even if they must
write it with your pen on your arm.
Rapport is the technique of mimicking the body language of the other
person. If your body language mirrors the body language of other
persons in the conversation, then your are implementing rapport.
If you are approaching a sitting person, you sit
If the body of the other person is closed, avoid being open; that
would seem intrusive.
Other persons sometimes check if you mirror their body language,
and have more interest in persons with rapport. For the converse,
you can check if the other person mirrors you.
The difference between the two retinal images
of an object. Because the right and the left eye are at slightly
different positions from each other, they have to turn inwards in
order to keep focus on an object as it approaches closer. The closer
the object the more the eyes turn inwards. A listener can tell how
alert the other person is by the angle or the eyes turning inwards.
Binocular Disparity is what allows us to have three dimensional
While talking to a person, subconsciously one
can tell if the other person is paying attention. The more a listener
focuses their vision on the speaker, the more the eyes turn inwards.
A listener whose eyes are both turned straight forward reveals that
he's not paying attention. Even though there is eye contact, the
eyes should be turned in slightly in order to focus on the speaker.
Binocular Disparity can be used to subconsciously
communicate relaxation or aggression. By focusing the eyes on a
dot on the other person's face, one is perceived to be alert. Maintaining
focus on the dot for longer time would make the person appear as
aggressive or even angry such as zeroing in on a target.
On the contrary, looking at the whole face of
the other person, and unfocusing the eyes, makes one come across
as relaxed and friendly or even easy going. Unfocusing the eyes
can be used as an aid in argument resolution. The decreased angle
of the eyes turning inward makes one look as having relaxed. As
a result, the other person sees a relaxed look of the eyes and tends
to relax himself.
Cut Off / Facing Away
A form of gaze avoidance or intrusion avoidance
in which the head or the whole body is turned fully away to one
A sudden cut-off gesture in conversation may indicate
uncertainty or disagreement with a speaker's remarks. Sustained
cut-off may reveal shyness or disliking.
A cut off is a form of angular distance. People
also turn away as a form of being considerate and giving the other
person space in a setting where moving away physically is impractical.
During an intermission, the candidates in a debate would respectfully
turn away, so as to give each other room to breathe.
In salesmanship, looking suddenly up and to the
side is a signal of the prospects skepticism. The sales agent themselves
could turn their head or the whole body to the side to make their
presence less pushy to the prospect. While walking away discourages
prospects because of the retreating nature, the cut off can be used
as a substitute for angular distance.
Facing away is a reaction to spatial invasion
either one's own of the other persons. After the host and the various
guests embrace, they back off and one or both always look away as
an equilibrium-maintaining technique to re-establish a proper level
Males and people of greater physical size turn
their heads away to the side more than do females and people of
smaller stature who in turn find it more comfortable and easier
to create distance by walking.
Both gaze aversion and torso rotation increase
dramatically in conditions of crowding.
Dancing as a Seduction Tool
Dancing is one of those things that can either
greatly enhance or totally destroy your chances to score depend
on how good you are at it. Many guys would actually be better off
just standing around trying to look cool, if the alternative is
dancing badly. Women treat dancing as a form of "safe sex"
(a fun, sensual activity without any of the risks or downsides of
actual sex), and a guy's ability to close-contact dance with women
is often viewed by them as an indicator of sexual ability.
There's a certain breed of guy called "the
dance partner". This guy likes to hang out all night in clubs,
dance for hour after hour with many women, and go home with none
of them. He might either be gay, or simply have no idea on how to
translate the dancing into sex.
A famous receiver for the Oakland Raiders named
Fred Biletnikoff used to say that "if you can put your hands
on a pass, you should be able to catch it. If you have a woman in
your arms, you should be able to get her into your bed. Dancing
is an excellent way to get her into your arms. If she is with a
group of girls, ask everyone at the table to dance one by one and
work over to the one you want. If they are sitting there drinking
and talking, watching the dance floor and keeping time to the music,
they are ready to dance. Go ask, if they say no, laugh and have
your comeback line ready. I have had girls that said no come back
to me and want to know why I didn't ask them again. Usually those
are the one's that go home with you too. I would say that 9 1/2
out of ten girls I ask to dance, go out on the floor with me. Energize
them, then let things flow. Firm but gentle works most of the time."
Ears, Right Ear vs. Left Ear
If you're stuck chatting up a "mumbler"
(someone who will mumble their words instead of speaking clearly)
at a cocktail party, lean in with your right ear. It's better than
your left at following the rapid rhythms of speech, according to
researchers at the UCLA David Geffen School of Medicine. If, on
the other hand, you're trying to identify a song playing softly
in the elevator, turn your left ear toward the sound. The left ear
is better at picking up music tones.
The tendency for people to raise their eyebrows
as one approaches them fact-to-face is usually indicative of esteem.
If you walk down the street and encounter someone you don't know
then the chances are that neither of you will raise your eyebrows.
If you recognize each other, however, even if you do not greet each
another, then eyebrows will likely raise and lower. Of particular
interest here in a business-place context is that if one person
is not rated highly by the other person then that person will not
raise their eyebrows, even though they acknowledge the presence
of the first person.
While meeting a person, briefly raise and lower
the eyebrows to communicate greetings as the person enters your
scope of vision. When accompanied by a slight backwards head tilt,
the greeting gesture can be made to come across as very sincere
and genuine. Both the zygomatic smile and the eyebrow movement are
very popular body language tools used by sales people and politicians.
Primate holding in the arms, a natural mothering
response, is met with clinging, an infantile sign of needing to
be mothered. Thus, embracing is the evolutionary correct way to
say "I love you," and the proper primate way to say "I
need you" as well. As humans embrace, a gentle rocking motion
from side to side occurs. Swaying, a positive sign, stimulates pleasure
centers linked to the inner ear's vestibular sense. Not only do
we rock babies, but also the adults we love.
The importance of body language is recognized
worldwide - there will not be a training for sales people and management
in which the study of body language is absent, for instance. In
1970 Julius Fast wrote his famous book "Body Language."
In it he writes about the study of the language of the body and
called it: kinesica. More recent developed theories on human functioning
have given life to Neuro Linguistic Programming. NLP uses body language
as its main source of information to tell more about the way we
operate as people, by ourselves or when we are together. For instance,
we adjust our body position all the time to our environment when
we are in company or in a public place. It has been researched that
we have a higher success rate of getting our message across to another
when we take on a similar position as him/her. Unconsciously we
copy the others? movements like crossing and uncrossing legs, turning
our bodies this way or that. In NLP this process is called modeling
and could also be referred to as building rapport.
A great deal of our nonverbal communication bespeaks
sexuality. Despite speech, courtship is best transacted in an unspoken
medium through, e.g., lip-pouts, head-tilts, and shoulder-shrugs.
Verbally saying "I love you" before showing love nonverbally
in gesture, posture, and deed is apt to scare a partner away.
The lesson here? Don't tell a girl "I love
you" too soon. Instead use body language gestures and nonverbal
communication to show your feelings of interests. If you tell her
your feelings, but you're too nervous and your body language in
not in tune, she might perceive your verbal speech as insincere.
First try to use non verbal signals. See also Rapport and Mirroring.
"Keep shoulders broad but posture not *too*
straight; keep eye contact; look other men in the eye and don't
do the "down & away"; don't cover face unless you
are acting mischievous; slow movements; deep tonality; move from
either the hips or the shoulders (generally); broad arm movements;
move with a sense that you occupy a great deal of space -- that
you have a large domain or territory; make your eyes expressive
of emotion and not of excitement; don't be afraid to grab her or
"handle" her -- **be able to guide her** and have the
confidence to do so: learn to really dance (waltz, salsa, samba,
flamenco, etc.) and this'll become second nature." alt.seduction.fast
Right Brain vs. Left Brain
This theory of the structure and functions of
the mind suggests that the two different sides of the brain control
two different "modes" of thinking.
Experimentation has shown that the two different
sides, or hemispheres, of the brain are responsible for different
manners of thinking. The following table illustrates the differences
between left-brain and right-brain thinking:
Looks at parts
Looks at wholes
Some individuals have a distinct preference for
one of these styles of thinking. Some, are more whole-brained and
equally adept at both modes. In general, academia tend to favor
left-brain modes of thinking, while downplaying the right-brain
ones. Left-brain scholastic subjects focus on logical thinking,
analysis, and accuracy. Right-brained subjects, on the other hand,
focus on aesthetics, feeling, and creativity.
Pacing and Leading
Pacing and leading is one of the keys to influencing
people. It refers to meeting them at their map of the world (pacing)
and then taking them where you want them to go (leading.) Rapport
is a basic, behavioral signal that you have met someone at their
map of the world. The simplest, most effective test for rapport
is "if you lead, they follow."
2) Choose a safe situation to practice mirroring
an element of someone else?s behavior. When you have mirrored them
for a while, and think you are in rapport with the person, scratch
your nose. If they lift their hand to their face within the next
minute or so, congratulate yourself ? you have led their behavior.!
Skilled communicators have a wide range of behaviors
they can mirror to build rapport. You can find a way to mirror virtually
anything you can observe.
3) Increase the range of behaviors that you can
mirror, and introduce deliberate rapport-building into situations
where it will benefit you and others (nb. Use your common sense
and choose low-risk situations to practice in.)
Note: It is possible to get rapport without pacing
by being outrageous and/or dynamic in a way that drawn in the audience
and catches their attention.
The dilation of the pupils is an increase in the
diameter of the pupils as they get bigger to take in more light
as it gets darker. Dilating pupils is also indicative of interest.
One can subconsciously tell if the other person is eager to see
them by the size of the pupils in the other persons eyes. When the
pupils are large in normal lighting conditions, the persons eagerness
and alert perception is noticed. A person with fake interest would
be smiling and showing positive gestures, but their pupils would
remain small, thus giving the person away.
Pupil Dilation combined with Shining Eyes and
Binocular Disparity could be used in communicating enthusiasm and
warmth towards the subject.
Push Pull Technique
In the song Yellow by Coldplay, Chris Martin demonstrates
using body language a Push Pull example.
"Because I love you so". Stops, looks
back, turns around, gives you a chance to leave, gives you space.
Then when he sees that you really do want him, you would wait for
him and you in the camera are there slowing down to stay with him.
The camera was moving gradually along the beach and he was walking
forward along the beach. Both he and the camera were together, that
is how we could see him, and now that he slows down, we see that
we are slowing down for him. But he doesn't make us, the audience
wait, he is the one who comes back. The camera is staying there,
looking at him and he comes back, tight after he looks around first:
Make your move, then if the girl's not going for
it by saying yes right away, just give some space. If she waits
for you to come back; she's yours.
Upon re-entering our home (after several hours
of absence), we feel a peculiar need to wander about the space to
"check" for intruders. In mammals, this behavior is known
as reconnaissance: ". . . in which the animal moves round its
range in a fully alerted manner so that all its sense organs are
used as much as possible, resulting in maximal exposure to stimuli
from the environment. It thus 'refreshes its memory' and keeps a
check on everything in its area. This is a regular activity in an
already familiar environment, which does not require the stimulus
of a strange object.
The eyes have a tiny gland on the bottom of the
eyelid secreting liquids such as tears for use as lubrication. When
a person is interested or excited, the glands tend to secrete liquid
thus giving the eyes a shiny appearance.
During courtship, shining eyes are used extensively
to indicate a sign or attraction in the other person. When describing
a guy, the girl might say "there was something in his eyes."
"The lover's eyes" is another term used to mark their
In practice, it is very hard to have shining eyes
without having genuine intentions, therefore there is the belief
that people can tell one another's motives subconsciously through
face to face interaction.
Shining Eyes combined with Pupil Dilation and
Binocular Disparity subconsciously communicate enthusiasm and warmth
towards the subject.
The body plans of most animals, including humans,
exhibit mirror symmetry, also called bilateral symmetry. They are
symmetric about a plane running from head to tail (or toe).
Bilateral symmetry is so prevalent in the animal
kingdom that many scientists think that it can't be a coincidence.
After all, there are infinitely more ways to construct an asymmetrical
body than a symmetrical one. And yet, fossilized evidence shows
that bilateral symmetry had already taken hold in animals as early
as 500 million years ago.
Therefore, bilateral symmetry must have evolved
for a reason, the thinking goes. And over the years, scientists
have come up with a number of hypotheses about what that reason
might be. According to one, a body that is bilaterally symmetrical
is easier for the brain to recognize while in different orientations
and positions, thus making visual perception easier.
Another popular hypothesis is that symmetry evolved
to help with mate selection. Experiments with birds and insects
revealed that females prefer to mate with males possessing the most
symmetrical sexual ornaments. Peahens, for example, prefer peacocks
with more extravagant and symmetrical tails, and female barn swallows
prefer males with long, symmetrical tail feathers. Human experiments
also show similar patterns.
Experiments have found that women are more attracted
to men who have features that are more symmetrical than other men.
One study even found that women have more orgasms during sex with
men who were more symmetrical, regardless of their level of romantic
attachment or the guys' sexual experience.
The connection between body symmetry and mate
selection began to make sense when researchers started finding correlations
between symmetry and health. One study found that men with asymmetric
faces tend to suffer more from depression, anxiety, headaches and
even stomach problems. Women with facial asymmetry are less healthy
and more prone to emotional instability and depression.
Another study found that the more asymmetric a
person's body was, the more likely they were to show signs of aggression
Symmetry is also prevalent in the physical sciences
and is woven into the very laws that govern our universe.
Tapping is a defensive gesture or a warning sign
for a person not to come any closer. It doesn't necessarily mean
that one wants the other person to leave, unless the tapping becomes
very loud and even audible from a distance, which is then the area
from which the person doing the tapping wants the people around
them to clear.
It is not an aggressive signal, but that of mainly
wanting to hold things off, not come any close, keep things the
way they are. The auditory effect of the tapping also has the verbal
effect of not wanting to be disturber with conversation. The sound
itself is meant to block of other sound as another person might
try to speak and has a psychological effect of distracting the brains
auditory cortex. It's like turning on the radio to distract oneself
from noisy neighbors arguing across the hall, or pretending to be
listening to a walkman when someone is trying to start a conversation.
Tapping in a physical sense also serves to designate
one's territory. In a classroom setting or an office environment,
one might tap their pencil against the side of the table meaning
that he/she's busy so that nobody sits next to them in order to
maintain the concentration.
The eyes themselves don't tense as much as the
eye lids around them and in tense situation, more particularly the
lower eye lids. The eye lids close in around the eyes limiting their
vision and in effect having an expression of zeroing in or targeting
someone. When the eye lids are smaller it's hard to see the surrounding
area, so the person has one location in their scope of vision in
mind. It is the opposite of open body language and a sign of closed
body language. In open body language a person is friendly willing
and receptive. When the eyes are smaller, they are showing that
they are not receptive. They are focused on one particular area
of importance usually because it is perceived as a threat or a source
The eyes can also be tense sometimes when a person
is concentrating on a task, such as reading an important document,
or working on an assignment, however, when dealing with personal
interaction, tense eyes are very specifically associated with unfriendliness
or hostility. Tensing of the eyelids could also help one so see
better as the tension helps in the shaping of the eyes to focus.
When a person is working on a task and not involved in a social
setting, tense eyes would indeed be a method for the person to focus
better. In a social setting people have adapted to use tense eyes
as a means of communicating suspicion or wariness, particularly
of an intellectual basis as opposed to emotional or personal.
A tense or unfriendly expression in the eyes is
a sign that the person is disliking something that is something
analytical or of technical nature. For instance when one's wife
has tense eyes it could mean that she doesn't trust her husband
in something like doing the bills or renovating the house. It doesn't
mean that she's suspecting him of having an affair or believes he's
forming an emotional attachment with another woman. The eyes mainly
reveal thought processes and not matters of the hearth, unless a
person evaluates their personal relationships on an analytical level,
which is rarely so.
Tense mouth is indicative of hostility or disagreement.
It is closely related to the usage of the lower teeth which are
associated with unfriendliness. It is an attempt to hide or not
show off the lower teeth or make an offensive gesture with the mouth
while in conversation with someone not particularly liked.
A tense mouth is visible through flattening and
thinning of the lips. As opposed to full lips, the person is subconsciously
tensing their lips in effect making them seem smaller and less visible.
The lips are a very friendly and encouraging part of the face. When
a person doesn't like someone, they inevitably find it hard to show
their lips as a way of saying that they are not happy and they are
not inviting. At the same time the person is trying not to show
off their lower teeth too much, although this might happen, as this
could be a very offensive and at times inappropriate display of
The opposite of a tense mouth would be the lower
lip protrusion, plumping lips (as in flirting), showing upper teeth
and in effect smiling.
Psychological technique to get oneself unattached
to a particular person by not avoiding them in the field of vision,
and at the same time to slowing down to make eye contact, so as
to be uninfluenced. Used very often by public speakers. Public speakers
are trained to make eye contact, to scan the room and at the same
time not fixate on any one particular person or area. The purpose
is to give everyone recognition and a chance to speak up, if a member
of the audience has a question, but not to be otherwise distracted
by any one particular person or object.
Touch (First Touch)
The first touch--a milestone in courtship--is
likely to seem casual, unpremeditated, and "accidental"
rather than serious. An eager hand reaches out to a neutral body
part (a forearm or shoulder, e.g.) which reacts by accepting the
contact or by pulling away. Sensitive pads of our fingertips used
as tactile antennae gauge the slightest startle, tenseness, or hesitation
Negative replies include angling away, leaning
away, and no reaction.
Positive responses include: a. lifting the shoulders,
shoulder shrug b. sideward head-tilt, and c. returning the touch
with a touch.
Thus, partners learn a great deal from the first
manual contact, which deftly probes beneath spoken words to feelings.
Touching another's body captures full attention, and is the evolutionary
true test of where a partner stands.
Research shows: "Wives under stress are soothed
by husbands' touch."
Casual touching is one of the most powerful attraction
triggers. The soothing effect of the touch could be seen in MRI
scans of areas deep in the brain that are involved in registering
emotional and physical alarm.
The 'touch' most commonly referred to is hand
holding. There are other important reasons for holding her hand,
but as this research confirms, it has an INSTANT soothing affect.
It is believed that casual touching, and hand
holding in particular has a massive effect on success in long term
Researcher notes that this effect is many times
more powerful with married couples, but even a complete stranger
STILL had an effect on the woman's brain. It is possible for a total
stranger, can trigger a soothing effect on any woman, DEEP in her
subconscious mind, simply through the use of a simple touch.
Verbal Plumage - The lip sinking that is attractive in men and
unattractive in women
Verbal Plumage is quite simply using exaggerated
facial expressions and lips and mouth movement to talk with the
face. We all move our lips and faces when we talk to deliver the
sound. Verbal plumage is just that same facial behaviors to a greater
volume especially when saying pleasant, soft or deep sounds. What
ever kind of movement you make with your mouth and lips when you
say words like "you", "on", "feel",
"between", "inside", "deep", "always",
"forever", "no other" etc. Girls like those
words. They are just words to us guys, but to them they have special
significance when we say it. The word "special" is another
When you say those words exaggerate the lip movement
part of the word as if it has special significance for you too.
Girls love that. They feel special when they hear those words, and
you adding verbal plumage to it makes the word that much more profound
as if you really mean it.
Verbal plumage doesn't have to be any particular
words. Verbal plumage on it's own is simply talking with the face
by definition. To use it in the context of seduction would be to
increase verbal plumage at particular words and phrases that have
deep meaning and feeling attached to them.
Imagine you are talking to a deaf person and you
are trying to make your self understood. Imagine the extra kind
of lip sinking you would do to express yourself. Do just that, but
only do it with the right words when you are saying words that are
pleasant to girls when they hear them. Here are some more words
that girls like when you say them:
intention true reality no choice I want appreciation
sincere trust come on yes
In comparison, words like: call, go out, maybe,
I don't know, no, number, meet etc. Girls don't like those words.
They hear them all the time when guys try to hit on them and get
their digits. Say less of those words, and when you do use them
you are a ventriloquist at the time.
Girls are already very expressive and feeling
when they talk. It's not attractive in a woman to use verbal plumage
because that makes her even more touchy feely clingy when she talks.
But in a guy, it makes him come by as caring and in touch with his
feelings when talking to women.
Right before you call stand up and hum a little
bit at a moderate to deep tone -- it'll improve the sound of your
voice over the phone
A very "pleasant" smile, and one of
the most sincere types of smiles which is very hard to produce on
demand, is the zygomatic smile. A zygomatic smile is the real item,
a genuine heartfelt smile that involves upturned corners of the
mouth, wrinkling at the eyes, or crow's feet, and utilizes very
many more facial muscles than we can easily control voluntarily.
It is therefore virtually impossible to fake the zygomatic smile,
and most of us, while not necessarily knowing it, can distinguish
it from a "phony" smile.
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